Uou do not want me. You don’t seem to need my closeness the way I need yours. But why? For days I try to give myself the answer. But it doesn’t make sense to me. So I take my courage and put the right words in my head for minutes.
Me: Do you actually find me attractive?
Me: But do you think I’m really hot?
Me: And do you think I find you hot?
You: I think so. At least that’s what you say.
Me: But … then why do you so seldom want to sleep with me and almost never take the initiative?
You: I think we have different definitions of “rare”. In my previous relationships, I had sex maybe once or twice a week. And you want to sleep with me so often that I don’t even get to take the initiative.
What you expect is not normal.
Boom. There it is. “What you expect is not normal.” I feel sick in my stomach.
I swallow my scratched pride and keep looking for an explanation that makes sense to me.
Me: And did you have sex once or twice a week at the beginning of a relationship?
You: Well, maybe three or four times there.
You: Now I feel bad because you think I don’t find you sexy. But this is not the case at all!
But we’re freshly in love. Don’t you want to? I am overwhelmed with this situation. I take you in my arms. Want to make amends for hurting you by bringing up the subject. Although I knew it beforehand.
I noticed that I was pressuring you when I made it clear every day, preferably twice, sometimes three times, that I would now like to feel you very closely. Now you feel bad And I involuntarily. It’s just like five minutes before. Only worse for you.
For the sake of vacation
And then we forget I brought it up. Because I don’t want to spoil our first vacation together for you. Because I realize that there is no basis for negotiation here.
Of course we could somehow meet in the middle. This is the ideal way to do it as an adult who is willing to compromise. But how good is such a compromise when it requires one person to partially suppress the desire and demand sex from the other when there is no desire at all?
Our first real vacation together. After three months. Two weeks of sun. Campervan. Sex whenever and wherever you want. Quasi a sex mobile. Perfect. I thought. I wasted no thought on the fact that we couldn’t agree. My mistake.
How good is a compromise when it requires one person to partially suppress the desire and demand sex from the other when there is no desire at all?
I look at you all day. See your body, your six-pack, the tanned skin, the blonde hair on your arms, your bright blue eyes, the powerful shoulders, your magically perfectly round bottom, your broad smile, the small gap between your front teeth. I hear you laugh, notice how you don’t let yourself be overwhelmed when I disagree, hear the differences in your voice depending on your mood, learn to love your Nordic dialect.
I can feel how you hold me tightly in your arms, your hand slips lightly on my bottom while walking, you seek my closeness, kiss me passionately. And then it comes up. The intense tingling sensation somewhere where the vulva and heart connect.
My need for more. For my skin on yours, for your cozy warmth, for your hands that grip my bottom firmly, for your kisses on my neck, for your tongue that gently circles mine … I want more of it. I long for you
And then it comes up. The intense tingling sensation somewhere where the vulva and heart connect. My need for more.
But I take myself back. End the kisses after a reasonable amount of time and suppress the greed for more. I do not want to harass. Wait until you make it clear that you want me very close.
We don’t have sex today. And I notice how I try to avoid your presence so as not to be tempted.
The first and last vacation with you
It’s 4:30 a.m. You breathe deeply and regularly, you sleep soundly. I lie awake with an empty stomach, can’t hold back the tears, close my eyes to at least keep them from rolling down. You were what I wanted. The one I wanted. Even if I only noticed it late. Although somehow you weren’t perfect, even though you didn’t really fulfill my wishes for a partner. You were perfect My jackpot.
You were what I wanted. The one I wanted
And somehow even the “non-negotiable” in my head turned into “maybe negotiable in a few years” without my admitting it to you at that point. Children. That you wish so much
But passion creates suffering? I can’t do that. It’s not negotiable.
7:00 a.m. You slowly wake up, notice that my sleep is not deep and finally show me that you want me. But is a morning quickie enough for me? Am I ready to trade two long days of no sex for it?
7:00 a.m. You slowly wake up, notice that my sleep is not deep and finally show me that you want me. But is a morning quickie enough for me?
And then I notice how my own thoughts turn off. Sex shouldn’t be that cerebral. Love shouldn’t be that cumbersome.
Our first vacation together. Our last vacation together.